I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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