What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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