Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
