If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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