Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
