hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
