found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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