we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
