her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
