I'm jealous of your bromance
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Boobs are out for the taking
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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