and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
