come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
