I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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