God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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