Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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