I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize