is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
