What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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