no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
