I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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