The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
