Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
