My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
