On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i love accidental penises.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
