i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
