it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
