If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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