dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
