she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
