im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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