I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
