Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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