She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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