Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
