I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
