No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
