Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
