sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
