I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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