o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
