You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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