I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
