Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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