i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Blood and glitter go together right?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Randomize
