all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize