I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I deserve to be covered in dicks
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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