I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
