Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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