we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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