I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
