I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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