My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
