between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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