Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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