Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
