I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
