Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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