so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
